The Birth of BOFH - Striped Irregular Bucket #5
I'm still bored.
But at least now the radio's off, it was on it's 12 repeat of “Wildfire” THIS WEEK, and it's only Tuesday; shit I hate that.
So anyway, I quicklime the engineer to remove any fingerprints and then FedEx him back to headquarters and set about waiting for the new engineer.
Now the second engineer only has to come out after another 4 hours, there's no death of engineer penalty clause, (but I'm thinking about asking for one) so I've got to fill in some time. This guy's going to be a technical engineer, the sort that comes in with a raggedy tie where he got it caught in the drum printer at 3000 rpm a couple of years ago, and he'll have the grazes on the face that indicate that he didn't get the gate open in time…
I know those sorts…
So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their files, then waiting for them to call…
“Um, I can't find my files” the wimpering simp on the phone says
“Files? What files?”
“The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!”
“Gone ay? What's your username?”
“TROJAN?! LIKE THE CONDOM?”
“No TURGEN. T-U-R”
“OH Turgen, like TURD, but with a GEN instead of a D… Ok lets see” I make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers back and forth across the keypad. “Uh-huh” >drag drag< “Yeah..” >dragedy poke< “AH! - You haven't got any files”
“Well, what are you calling ME for? We don't make the files you know, we just look after them. And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's due in a couple of days..”
I hang up - he'll call back. Meantime I open up a copy of “VMS BASTARD OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL” I'm reading the article I sent in about getting rid of those trouble users…
“… Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters, give the password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE to use the password generate utility when they change their password (so their password will always be something that looks like vaguely pronouncable line-noise), add a secondary password with the same as the above, then redefine their CLI tables so that the only command that works is DELETE, and all other commands point to it.”
Beautiful…. Shit I'm good!
He calls back.
“MY FILES ARE GONE!” he screams, panicking.
“Did you have a backup?” I ask, as sweet as pie
“But that's what you people are supposed to do!” he sobs
“Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and they're the same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using them to tape the neighbour's sex romps…”
I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm, and not my problem…